How I am dealing with depression, sadness, melancholy and chronic illness

I ruined Valentine’s Day.  My husband said I didn’t.  But as I sat in his recliner, telling him that I feared one day that he would wake up to a dead body, tears streaming down my face, as he opened the 3D replica of the Dallas Cowboys Stadium, I could see that I did. 

What made me think that this was an appropriate time to voice that fear to him?  I had spent so much time finding the perfect card, scrawling out the sweetest sentiment, finding a Cowboys gift that he’d never seen, and then I let the dark thoughts escape from the prison that I thought I had guarded tightly in my head.  He was knocked off his footing for a moment, then brilliantly recovered with, “I am more likely to wake up to someone who is paralyzed than a dead body”, as if that is less traumatic.  Either way, this was neither the time nor the place for this discussion.

I have seen some of my fellow HOD Heroes posting on social media with similar struggles to this.  Seems that I am not the only one with big feelings right now.  Is it Seasonal Affective Disorder(SAD)?  perhaps it is run of the mill depression?  Maybe it is just because we have this darn rare disease that no one can tell us much of anything about, other than congratulate us on being so brave (as if we had any choices in the matter)?  Does it really matter what it is?  To me, no it doesn’t matter what I call it.  It matters that I am crying when I talk about HOD again, something that the anti-depressant usually handles for me.  

In my case, I have four other rare diseases and a few not so rare diseases that I manage with my HOD.  One of these is also causing insomnia, which is making the symptoms of everything about 72% worse.  So, can I say for certain that depression is the issue and that my meds have become ineffective?  No, because I don’t have the benefit of sleep.  I am stuck in a different kind of hell.  The kind where every small thing is a big thing to my subconscious.  Each event in life that doesn’t go my way is somehow a sign from the universe of impending doom.  This is no way to live.  So, how can we get through this?  

One way that I am managing is to rely on a few close confidants.  I know myself well enough to pick out the shame spirals and doom scrolling.  When I start to get into the dark spaces, I can call or text my sister or my friend, tell them what I am thinking, and ask, “Am I mistaken, or am I on to something here”.  Of course, I have empowered these folks to be honest with me and guaranteed them that there will never be an argument or repercussion for honesty, and I stand by that.   If you are not a safe person, and you are just looking to trap someone so that you can attack them for being honest with you, there won’t be anyone around you for very long. 

Next up is a good daily meditation reader.  I am really enjoying The Pivot Year by Brianna Wiest right now.  My attention span suffers dramatically when I am in depression, so the small digestible daily snippets of wisdom are just perfect for me to ruminate on instead of a perceived possible slight from a social media comment.

If you thought that I just do art when we have our quarterly meet ups, you can think again!  I am not the creative type.  I used to tell my daughter that my spreadsheets were art (if that gives you any insight into my thoughts into creativity).  This year for the holidays, that same child gave me a set of acrylic markers, which have become a delightful way to express myself around the house.  I found some old jars and started doodling on them to make them my ground coffee storage jars. 

On my quest to find expressive outlets, an inexpensive set of watercolor markers and doodle when I am on hold with doctor’s offices.  I write blogs.  I find ways to express my feelings through creative measures.  It is a new way for my brain to exercise while also allowing my feelings to flow out of my body in a safe way.  This is much safer than taking it out on the receptionist at the doctor’s office, or on a well-meaning person who sees me walking with a cane and comments on how brave I am.  

Seeking medication to help manage depression and talk therapy have also been immeasurably helpful.  There is no shame in this game at all!  It is, however, a crying shame that mental health is not easily accessible to everyone.  And let’s face it, all the talk therapy and medication in the world can’t stop the absolute tragedy that is the knowledge that your brain and body are failing and betraying you as time ticks on and that you have no say in the matter. 

It is infuriating when a doctor says to me, “Yeah it makes sense that you would be depressed.”  Thank you, Captain Obvious.  This same doctor can also be Captain Oblivious in the same appointment.  But I digress.  

Reframing those dark ideas has helped me to keep my head above the proverbial depressive waters.  I used to be very angry at my inconsiderate brain and my failing body.  Now, I honor my brain for fighting so hard to maintain what I know to be normal, even though she is fighting wars that I can’t even comprehend all day, every day. 

And this body?  What a champion!  Sure, it used to be able to do everything that I wanted it to do.  In fact, it even did a half marathon just a few weeks after having a bone tumor removed from my tibia, and held everything together!  Hard-headed me refused to rest, and almost completely shattered the bone, but this champion body was patient with me and held it together, just as she is doing now.  Sure, we aren’t able to run or hike or do much yoga anymore.  But most days, we can walk and ride a bicycle and be active in one way or another. 

If I can show some appreciation for what I can do instead of always grieving my diminishing capacities, then my day is a little brighter.  Of course, there is time and space for all of these feelings.  It is not advisable to allow toxic positivity or toxic negativity to rule any day.  Moderation in all things is where the sweet spot lies. 

Something as simple as spending time outdoors, touching grass, smelling flowers, petting a friendly animal, having a conversation with a friend, or watching a fun movie can help temporarily lift our spirits.  The trick is to keep them lifted.  How do we stay out of that dark place that reminds us of what the future holds?  I can only speak for myself here, but what is working for me is my work with HODA. 

Knowing that I am contributing to making HOD history for future generations helps me to keep the darkness at bay.  Does it still take a hold of me at times?  Yes, of course!  I am still human!  I still think of my future, my kids, my grandson, and what things will look like for me.  But knowing that I am working to make a difference is what is making a difference for me.  It is giving me a purpose in my life now.  Sure, the life I thought I was going to have doesn’t exist anymore. But I have learned to be at peace with that.  About 97% of the time.  And as long as I am sleeping.

How about you? What are your strategies for dealing with depressive and dark thoughts? Tell us in the comments!